According to statistics, 1 in every 3 women and 1 in every 4 men will suffer from domestic violence. Most domestic violence isn’t reported to the police. Mine never was. Not all abuse is physical and there are people in this world who don’t even realize they are being abused. It took me a long time to realize that abuse was taking place. I blamed myself a lot, like many do. Never realizing that my self blame was a part of the abuse process. It was all my fault, right? It was always my fault. I shouldn’t have said that one thing, or anything really. I should have known to keep my mouth shut. I should have known those exact words, that I’ve never said before, would set him off. That my tone, which was calm and reserved, would have made him upset. I absolutely should have known that asking what he said because I didn’t hear him properly meant I didn’t listen. I should learn to listen better. I should. I should. I SHOULD. I, me, I should do it.
It took me a long time to realize that wasn’t right. No one should have to live that way. NO ONE. But, many do. So many people live their lives being controlled by someone else, being told that they can’t or they shouldn’t. SO MANY.
You are not alone.
I created this blog not only to support others, but to help myself through my journey from surviving to living. I was stuck in survival mode for a long time. I spent my days just going through the motions. “Don’t you still love me?” he’d always ask me. “Of course I do.” I always lied. It was too much effort to tell him I didn’t. I knew the yelling that would ensue if I didn’t lie. I hate that I lied. I’m not a liar. I was so emotional exhausted that doing the one thing I hated most was the best option for me. I wasn’t myself anymore. My life was gone. I was just surviving and he noticed. “You’ve changed since we started dating.” He threw that one in my face a lot. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to tell me he was the reason I changed. But, instead I’d lie again. “No, I haven’t changed. I’m still me.” I wasn’t lying to him this time. I was lying to myself. He was right, I had changed. My internal setting had been switched from living to surviving. I felt empty. But I wasn’t empty. My old self was still in there, she was just lost. It was like we were playing a game of hide and seek. She’s a great hider. It took me years to finally find her, but I found her. Sometimes she tries to go back into hiding. Something will remind me of the past and it will take a lot of effort not to let her run off and hide again. I’ve managed to stay out of survival mode for now though. I’m learning to live again.
I’m learning to live again.