Abuse can slow you down. Way down. When you spend your life dealing with what seems like an unstoppable force, it’s hard. You get stuck in survival mode and forget how to actually live life. Many victims reach a point in their abuse where they simply succumb to the idea of abuse being their life. I know with A2 that was where I was headed. The thought crossed my mind several times. I was tired of fighting, tired of wondering what I was doing wrong in my life, and just tired of trying. I was extremely hard on myself. There were a few times when I convinced myself that A2 was the best I was gonna do. I convinced myself that I was all the horrible things he said about me and that no one else would want me. No one would want a broken and empty shell of a person. Thankfully, there came a point where I no longer cared. I realized I would rather be alone than be the empty shell that I had become. I would rather be alone than live in constant fear.
I’m going to tell you something VERY important. Abuse is not the unstoppable force. YOU are the unstoppable force. I know you feel like you’ve lost yourself. You feel like you’ll never escape the abuse, even if you’ve already safely left. Your triggers make you feel worthless, like you’ll never be normal again. But, you keep trying. You do what you can to find yourself again. You start taking steps to find better responses to your triggers. Maybe you even start to feel happy again. It will take a while, but it will happen. That person you once were is in there and they refuse to let you stop.