I had what I call a freak out yesterday. I was doing a photography job and I took a break to call my boyfriend. He was supposed to go out on a charter boat yesterday and with the rain at the beginning of the day, I figured he got rained out. He answered and told me they did, in fact, get rained out and that they were rescheduled for tomorrow (today). We hung up and I text him because I forgot to ask him a question. He never answered me. Now, rational brain knows he just sucks at texting. That and he had me on speaker phone when I called which meant he was obviously busy doing something and couldn’t hold his phone. My rational brain knew this. But, my irrational brain doesn’t care what my rational brain knows. I went back in and finished my work, since that always helps me from freaking out. It keeps my mind busy. When I was done, he still hadn’t text me. Again, rational brain tells me he probably fell asleep since he had to be up at 5am. Irrational brain doesn’t care. Irrational brain makes me call him 5 times and text him a dozen more.

The internal struggle that goes on in my head during these freak outs is absurd. I have my rational brain telling me that he can’t answer the phone if he’s asleep and my irrational brain telling me he should have his ringer up loud enough to wake him up. Then my rational brain kicks in and reminds me that he probably turned the ringer off if he’s gotta be up at 5am. Then my irrational brain kicks into what if mode. I hate what if mode. It takes over and it consumes. What if something happened to him? What if he’s hurt and can’t answer his phone? What if he’s just being a douchebag and ignoring me? What if he’s got someone else over?

10pm I’m on my way home from seeing my patient. Rational brain tells me to go home and get some sleep, that I’ve had a long day. Irrational brain tells me to drive past my house and keep driving till I get to his house. Suddenly rational brain agrees. Rational brain knows that I won’t sleep unless I either talk to him or see him and if he’s sleeping he can’t call me back. So I head to his house.

The whole way there irrational brain takes over. I have this whole speech planned out in my head. What I’m going to say to him in each scenario. My irrational brain gets me to tears. Then I get to his house and sit in the car for a good minute before going in. I can see his bedroom window on the walk to his door. Lights out and TV on. Pretty normal for him if he’s sleeping. I go in and sure enough there he is, passed out in his bed looking like he’d been asleep for hours. I go to climb into bed and I scared the hell out the poor guy. When he realized what was going on he rolled over and made room for me. Reason #1201245 that I love the guy. I didn’t stay long.

This morning I get a text that I scared the hell out of him last night, but he got a good chuckle out of it. He takes my freak outs in good stride. He never makes me feel bad about having them. He knows I am trying to get a handle on them and that they’ve been happening less. I’m trying, I really am. Honestly, I don’t think I would have come this far without him.

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