Triggers suck. Everything about them sucks. The fact that usually the person doing or saying the triggery thing has no idea that it’s hurtful to you, the fact that it brings you back to that abusive place, the fact that sometimes it’s hard to control how you react to said trigger, and just the fact that you feel weaker because of your triggers.
I snapped at my boyfriend last night. It wasn’t just attitude either. He heard me yell like I used to yell at my ex. He heard this for the first time in our almost 1 year together. Mid sentence I realized what I was doing and stopped. I was ashamed. I only ever yelled at A2 like that because he constantly talked over me and never let me speak. It would get to the point where I felt I had to use that voice in order to be heard. It never worked, of course, but when you’re constantly being belittled and told you’re wrong (even when you are reading the actual answer from a proper source) or told that you just aren’t a good mother, you tend to get frustrated. There would be times when it would get so bad that I would scream, top of my lungs, for A2 to just “stop” or “shut the fuck up” because it had all just built up inside. That’s what I did last night. My boyfriend has a habit of being a bit on the loud side when he drinks. Not mean or angry, just loud. Because of this he will talk over people. Not intentionally, but he does. Usually I just make him aware of it and he stops. But, last night, it just triggered me. He talked over me and I lost my shit. Screamed at him to stop. Went on to scream something else at him, then stopped myself.
I apologized to him 3 times last night. Twice while I was still there, within 5 minutes of it happening. Then again when I got home. I called him specifically to apologize. I can’t help it, I’m used to apologizing. I was also a bit on the bitchy side after the incident. I was upset with myself and just crabby. He knew. He saw that I was withdrawn. He tried to help, but it just wasn’t working, which is why I just went home. I apologized for that too, for the crabbiness. Know what he told me? To stop beating myself up. That everyone has bad days. He’s right.
So please, remember, when your triggers are bringing you down, when you feel worthless and start beating yourself up over your actions, everyone has bad days. Even you.