November is National Novel Writing Month, aka, NaNoWriMo. Guess who’s participating this month. Yep, me! I have had an idea for a book for EVER. Over 10 years now. I’ve tried writing out story boards, writing out pages, writing out scenes, crumbling them up and trying again, and ultimately my work gets abandoned. There were always different reasons I had to stop. Sometimes it was as simple as writer’s block. However, it was usually because taking time for myself wasn’t an option. Not because I was busy, but because it was frowned upon. My free time wasn’t supposed to be me time.
With A1 I had to make sure the house looked perfect. Any time I had sat down to have time for myself I was obviously slacking off. Watching TV while my daughter napped? Lazy. Sitting down to play Sims? Should be watching said daughter, even if she was right there in the same room as me playing with her toys. It was totally ok to let her play by herself in the other room while I cleaned the house. But, being in the exact same room as her, where I could actually see her, wasn’t acceptable if I wasn’t being productive. If I didn’t have anything to clean, then my place was on the floor playing with her. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy building towers out of Duplos or reading the same book 50 times in a row. It’s that I also wanted ME time. I was more than willing to take that time while she slept. It got to the point where I enjoyed being at work. At least at work I got a 15 minute break or a 30/60 minute lunch where I could do whatever I wanted. When I decided to draw up the storyboard for my story I did it all during lunch breaks at work.
With A2 any relaxation had to include him. Sure, I could sit down and watch a show, just as long as it was one he also wanted to watch. There were a few times I tried to write various things. It always ended the same. Him asking me what I was doing and why we couldn’t do something together. Why I didn’t pay any attention to him. He’d tell me I didn’t care about him and that I was neglecting his feelings. HE needed to go to the store, HE wanted to catch up on the DVR, HE wanted to go for a walk, HE wanted play videos games. HE HE HE.
Participating in NaNoWriMo isn’t just about the story for me. It’s about doing something that I want to do. It’s about reminding myself that I am the only person in control of my life. Everyone else is just along for the ride.