If you ever go on any social media sites, you know that November is the Month of Gratitude where people post something they are thankful for every day. I started participating in this a few years back, it really helped me remember the good things in my life. Some days it was super hard to come up with anything other than my kids (and I really can only post about them once, maybe twice) and others it was easy. The hard days I had to dig and often times I’d find something small, something someone else might find stupid, like a cup of hot tea or a pillow on my back while I sit. But honestly, that’s the reason I do it. Because it reminds me to stop and reflect on what happened in the months prior. It reminds me to remember the good things in life. To focus on the good rather than the bad. Some find it silly, I think it’s a great exercise in reflection.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflection this past year as I put my pieces back together. When I first kicked A2 out I didn’t even think twice about the pieces I’d have to glue back in. I’m used to it, cleaning up someone else’s mess. But as I started putting my pieces back where I thought they went I realized they didn’t actually fit there. I realized that all the times I had to put myself back together, I rushed and just glues everything together in a big pointy mess. I decided this time I would take my time and do it right. I would stop and reflect on every piece and carefully decide where it went. No, I’m not fully back together yet. Honestly, I’m not even sure when or if I ever will be. I may never be whole. I’m sure along the way I’ve actually lost a few pieces. But that’s ok, because at least I will have the others back in their proper spots.
2016 has taught me a lot. I know universally this year seemed to suck. We lost a lot of great people this year David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Leonard Cohen, Gene Wilder, Ali, Prince, Doris Roberts, Merle Haggard, Gary Shandling, Nancy Reagan, Natalie Cole, and that’s not even everyone. The universe took some great people. We also can’t forget that shit show that was the Presidential Election, the assaults on black people, the assaults on police officers, the shooting in Orlando, and the horrible storms and wildfires that have displaced many people. Universally 2016 sucked. But for me personally, 2016 was amazing. I almost feel horrible saying that, but it’s true.
2016 brought me peace. I managed to put back some very large pieces of myself. I was able to deal with some of my triggers and teach myself better reactions to them. I spent time with my kids and visited places I’ve never been before. I answered to no one but myself. Sometimes I let the kids eat ice cream for dinner, because why not. I took the kids wherever I wanted without listening to someone complain about it, freedom at it’s finest. It was amazing. As I reflect I realize that 2016 was amazing because the years prior were shitty. Shitty that I even needed to ask for permission to do things to begin with, especially with my own kids! But I’m here and I promise, I’m not going back.