Something happened in 2016 that hasn’t happened in a very long time, I was able to put myself first on occasion. You might think, oh you’re a parent. Parents rarely get to put themselves first anyway. That may be true in some cases, but not always. A lot of parents take the time after kids go to bed for themselves. The first 3 years of my son’s life, that wasn’t an option for me. His bedtime was my bedtime. Not because it was hard to get him to sleep, but because that’s the way A2 wanted it. See, A2 was as lazy as they come. He didn’t want to be bothered at 8 am with a child needing a diaper change or asking him for breakfast. So he made me put him to bed late so he would wake up late. There were several times I wanted to go to bed earlier than the 10:30/11:00 norm. Nope, always caused a fight. Not only could I not put my son to bed earlier, but A2 couldn’t be bothered to put him to bed himself. i had to be the one to do it.
Money was the same way. Even though I made every penny to keep the household going, if I spent one dime on myself a fight ensued. I started to actually feel guilty any time I spent money on something as simple as lunch at work. Let that sink in for a minute. I felt guilty buying myself lunch with money I made myself. Not because I could use that money for bills or on the kids, but because I felt like I was sneakily using it on myself instead of buying something that A2 wanted.
Currently I’m sitting here in a pair of LuLaRoe leggings that I bought for myself with zero guilt. It dawned on me that I have done a great deal of that this year. I have clothes in my room that I bought myself without asking permission to spend my own money. I have gone places both with and without the kids without needing permission or feeling guilty. Without knowing a fight was going to happen either via text while I was gone or when I got home. In fact, there have been zero fights regarding my purchases or my location this year. It’s been a year full of what A2 would have deemed selfish behavior. Behavior that I really needed to remind myself that I am indeed in control of my life.