One of the hardest things about the aftermath of an abusive relationship is sorting out normal shit. I had an incident with my boyfriend yesterday. I won’t go into detail, but we managed to work things out and we’re fine, so please don’t worry. While I was driving to his house so we could talk I was mad. Madder than I have ever been about anything my whole life. I’ve been abused and cheated on by more than one person in my life. Why was I so mad at this particular event? My logical brain kept trying to tell me to just breath, that there was a rational explanation, that he’s not like the others and we could talk and work things out. But, illogical brain took over and it took over fast. My hands were shaking and I was ready to burst through his door and break up with him right then and there. After we talked and he explained I felt much better. He still did a million things to make me feel better. He still did everything he could to make sure I knew he was sorry and he felt horrible that I felt horrible. He apologized more than once and he never stopped to make me apologize. I had to make sure he knew how important that was. I had to make sure I told him how important it was and how much I appreciated that he took full responsibility for his actions, was 100% completely honest, and never once tried to turn things around and make it my fault. I’m a very lucky girl to have him in that respect.
On the way home I did some major thinking. Why was I so mad? I know we had fought a few days prior about a different issue. But, we resolved that as well. I was still feeling a bit on edge, but nothing that should have made me feel THAT mad. Like I said, I was madder than I had ever been my whole life. I have never felt like that before. Than it dawned on me. In past relationships I had nothing to lose. So what if we broke up, it would have been better. When I broke up with A1 and A2, and even with the guy I dated in between, it was time. A1 and A2 I had just finally had enough and with the other guy, our relationship had just run it’s course and things didn’t work out (well that and he cheated on me, but I found that out later). I realized I was also mad because I could be. I have the freedom now to be mad and not feel like it’s my fault. My anger is not considered unjustified. I walked into my boyfriends apartment guns blazing and yelled at him and he just calmly told me he was sorry and he didn’t realize he had done something wrong, but that he understood why I was mad and he promised it wouldn’t happen again. We resolved our issue in like 10 minutes.
Illogical brain may have been illogical, but it knew that it was going to be ok.
But, sorting things out is still hard. I’m still going over things I felt and wondering if it’s really the way I feel or if it’s the way I’ve been programmed to feel by A1 and A2. There are times I feel sorry when I shouldn’t. Times I get angry when I shouldn’t. Times I feel like this is the end, when I know damn well it isn’t. I felt that yesterday on the way to his house. I was mad for a justifiable reason, but I questioned myself the entire ride there. That is what I live with everyday. That is what makes living after surviving so hard.