Yesterday I had a meltdown. My boyfriend got to see 100% in full force what a real trigger looks like. Not that he hasn’t seen it from me before, but this was probably the worst he’s actually seen with his own eyes.
We were sitting in his living room watching YouTube, or maybe it was Netflix, I honestly don’t remember at this point. I can’t even remember what we were discussing, but I remember I Googled something because we had conflicting ideas about something. He has a habit of saying “no, you’re wrong” no matter what the answer is, no matter who he’s talking to. I could quote exactly what he said word for word and he’d say “no, you’re wrong.” He doesn’t do it to be mean or be a jerk, he’s usually just trying to be funny and then he’ll ask what it actually says. 95% of the time I’m absolutely fine with it. 4% of the time it makes me a bit cringey, but I brush it off. Yesterday was that small 1% of the time where it makes me want to gouge out eyes.
See, here’s the thing, A2 was notorious for telling me I was wrong. Always. Not jokingly, to gaslight me. I was ALWAYS wrong about EVERYTHING. I could show him proof that I wasn’t wrong, and I was still wrong. I could tell him how to spell his name, and I would be wrong. And when I would prove to him I was right, then I was a horrible person who always had to be right. He always asked me why I couldn’t just admit when I was wrong. The thing about it is, I never had a problem admitting when I actually was wrong. Hell, I just did it yesterday.
I just did it yesterday when I apologized to my boyfriend for blowing up at him when he didn’t do anything wrong. I actually got up and stormed out of his house. I called him from my care and told him to find another way to work Sunday morning. I was THAT mad, and he had no idea why. When I was first upset he tried to make me laugh. It’s what he does. It usually works. Yesterday it didn’t work. It just made me more angry. He even did it again after I left. I got as far as the stop light when he called and said “Guess we’re not getting 5 Guys then, huh?” I feel like I should reiterate that he was 100% trying to make me laugh. That’s how he deals with things in his head, he cracks jokes. He doesn’t like fighting or confrontation, so he’s always dealt with it by trying to turn it into humor. On a normal day I probably would have laughed.
But not on this day. No, this day I had a flood of past emotion. The feeling of helplessness of hearing A2 tell me I was wrong. I could hear it in my head over and over like a tornado siren warning me that a storm was coming, because that’s usually what happened when A2 said those words. I fought back. Not always, there was a point in time that I would just shake my head and brush it off. But, after a while I started fighting back again. I had to, for my own sanity. Near the end I wasn’t fighting him so much as I wasn’t fighting myself. I started to believe him when he told me I was wrong. I started to slip and question things I had seen with my own two eyes. Something as simple as knowing that I text him to tell him I had to work a different shift, even though he claimed I didn’t. He’d tell me I was wrong, that I was lying, or even worse that I was delusional. I’d scroll until I found the text and tell him see, see right here I told you, I text you. Suddenly he’d say he never got it so I should have done more to make sure he knew. Or he’d say I must have sent it to someone else, even though with smart phones you can clearly see the whole conversation that it’s in. Even at times when he replied to my text, he’d say he didn’t get it. He must have been replying to something else. He would say anything to make me question my reality. I felt all of that return yesterday. I couldn’t handle it and I walked out. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt broken and upset.
I had to walk away because I felt like I might actually have hit my boyfriend. I know, that seems like something shameful to admit. My mind resorted to violence, and I told him that. But, I walked away from the situation because I recognized that and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had done something like that. It scared me. The amount of anger I felt at that moment toward him scared the absolute shit out of me. Rationally I knew I wasn’t mad at him, but I was projecting it on to him and that’s not fair to him.
Lucky for me he’s a great guy. He called me again on my way home. He realized how upset I was when I hung up on him after the humor didn’t work. He apologized. Yes, even though he had done nothing wrong, he apologized. He apologized because he was genuinely sorry for the way he made me feel, even though it wasn’t his intention. Anytime A2 ever hurt my feelings, and that happened a lot, he never apologized. Or if he did, it felt forced. Instead he’d tell me I was too sensitive and that he was just joking so I should calm down. I’m lucky to have a man in my life that recognizes that even if he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, they still got hurt. So he apologized, and then I apologized because he really didn’t do anything wrong. I went home and took a nap to calm down, then went back over later. We’re fine now and life is how it should be.
And as shitty as I felt yesterday I feel amazing. To finally have a proper relationship with someone who listens, even if sometimes I think he doesn’t, and can understand when I get upset, truly is an amazing thing.