Have you ever looked at someone and thought, wow what did I do right in my life to deserve you? I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t until recently that I had ever had that thought. Sure, I thought I was lucky to have someone in my life. Of course I felt like a won the lottery when my kids were born. And, yes, I appreciate the fact that I have an amazing and supportive family. But, until recently, I never actually looked another human and thought, wow I must have done something seriously right in the eyes of the universe to deserve such an amazing person in my life.
I’m used to the opposite. I’m used to crying in my bed alone wondering what I did so horribly wrong to deserve the shit show that was my life. What karmic injustice did I perform to get stuck with such a horrible partner? The other day it all clicked. I looked at my boyfriend and I knew why I had been stuck with shitty partners my whole life.
Friday was hard for me. My depression has been ridiculous lately, even for me. I haven’t talked about it here yet, but I was in a car accident a few months ago. I was rear ended at 45 mph while I was at an almost stop waiting for the car 2 cars in front of me to turn. I’m now the proud owner of 5 herniated discs from top to bottom of my spine. The fact that I have days where I can’t even stand too long without wanting to break down in tears does not help my depression. Friday I felt like I was going to break.
I was at the boyfriend’s house laying in bed trying to sleep. He was out in the living room just screwing around on the internet, not ready for bed. No big deal, he had just come off of a 12 day work week, as he only gets every other weekend off. He was enjoying his time as he does. I had been tossing and turning for what seemed like days when Irrational Brain decided to rear her ugly head.
Irrational Brain is my nemesis, full stop. She stands there with her smug look and slender face. She’s the type of person that would wear a cape just to see the horrified look on Edna Mode’s face. Irrational Brain is so evil she would bring Thanos to his knees with a single glance. She’s cold and calculated, but on a good day I can beat her. Friday was not that day.
I marched into the living room, declared that I couldn’t deal with whatever it was my boyfriend was hiding (spoiler alert, it’s nothing), and snatched up my keys to leave. This man looked at me with the most clueless face I had ever seen. I asked him straight up if he was cheating on me. Why? I have no clue. I have zero reason to even think that he is. My boyfriend managed a “What? No, what? Why?” Before he just looked at me completely puzzled. Irrational Brain swooshed her cape and cackled, then vanished.
Everything that happened after that moment is why I love this man with every fiber of my being. He had me go get his phone. he unlocked it and just handed it to me. I never asked him to see it because Irrational Brain had left. But, he knew it would make me feel better. He knew that if I didn’t have something to put my mind at ease that Irrational Brain would come back for round 2. Shocker, there was absolutely nothing of note in his phone. He followed me to bed and wrapped his arms around me. I remember looking at him right before I fell asleep and thinking wow, what did I do right in my life to deserve having this amazing human be a part of it.
He never got mad at me for asking him. He never told me I was ridiculous for being upset, even if I was being ridiculous. He was calm and collected the whole time. He simply did what he knew would help diffuse the situation and make me feel better. He’s gotten a lot better at helping me manage. It’s when he helps me manage like this that I realize why I’ve dealt with shit my whole life. If I hadn’t dealt with the scum, I’d never fully appreciate his value.