Cosmic Balance

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, wow what did I do right in my life to deserve you? I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t until recently that I had ever had that thought. Sure, I thought I was lucky to have someone in my life. Of course I felt like a won the lottery when my kids were born. And, yes, I appreciate the fact that I have an amazing and supportive family. But, until recently, I never actually looked another human and thought, wow I must have done something seriously right in the eyes of the universe to deserve such an amazing person in my life.

I’m used to the opposite. I’m used to crying in my bed alone wondering what I did so horribly wrong to deserve the shit show that was my life. What karmic injustice did I perform to get stuck with such a horrible partner? The other day it all clicked. I looked at my boyfriend and I knew why I had been stuck with shitty partners my whole life.

Friday was hard for me. My depression has been ridiculous lately, even for me. I haven’t talked about it here yet, but I was in a car accident a few months ago. I was rear ended at 45 mph while I was at an almost stop waiting for the car 2 cars in front of me to turn. I’m now the proud owner of 5 herniated discs from top to bottom of my spine. The fact that I have days where I can’t even stand too long without wanting to break down in tears does not help my depression. Friday I felt like I was going to break.

I was at the boyfriend’s house laying in bed trying to sleep. He was out in the living room just screwing around on the internet, not ready for bed. No big deal, he had just come off of a 12 day work week, as he only gets every other weekend off. He was enjoying his time as he does. I had been tossing and turning for what seemed like days when Irrational Brain decided to rear her ugly head.

Irrational Brain is my nemesis, full stop. She stands there with her smug look and slender face. She’s the type of person that would wear a cape just to see the horrified look on Edna Mode’s face. Irrational Brain is so evil she would bring Thanos to his knees with a single glance. She’s cold and calculated, but on a good day I can beat her. Friday was not that day.

I marched into the living room, declared that I couldn’t deal with whatever it was my boyfriend was hiding (spoiler alert, it’s nothing), and snatched up my keys to leave. This man looked at me with the most clueless face I had ever seen. I asked him straight up if he was cheating on me. Why? I have no clue. I have zero reason to even think that he is. My boyfriend managed a “What? No, what? Why?” Before he just looked at me completely puzzled. Irrational Brain swooshed her cape and cackled, then vanished.

Everything that happened after that moment is why I love this man with every fiber of my being. He had me go get his phone. he unlocked it and just handed it to me. I never asked him to see it because Irrational Brain had left. But, he knew it would make me feel better. He knew that if I didn’t have something to put my mind at ease that Irrational Brain would come back for round 2. Shocker, there was absolutely nothing of note in his phone. He followed me to bed and wrapped his arms around me. I remember looking at him right before I fell asleep and thinking wow, what did I do right in my life to deserve having this amazing human be a part of it.

He never got mad at me for asking him. He never told me I was ridiculous for being upset, even if I was being ridiculous. He was calm and collected the whole time. He simply did what he knew would help diffuse the situation and make me feel better. He’s gotten a lot better at helping me manage. It’s when he helps me manage like this that I realize why I’ve dealt with shit my whole life. If I hadn’t dealt with the scum, I’d never fully appreciate his value.


Not Just Loved Ones

One of the many myths surrounding abuse is that it can only come from those who you are close with. This is false. Abuse can come from people in power like teachers or bosses. It can come from people you see on a regular basis, like co-workers or classmates. It can basically come from just about anywhere, so it’s important to be able to spot the signs.

Bullying is a type of abuse. You don’t have to be shoved in your locker or pushed in the hallway to be a victim of bullying. Emotional bullying, which is a form of abuse, can come in many forms. Bullies can use name calling, threats, lying, and even excluding someone from a group as forms of abuse. The bully that constantly tells you that you smell bad or that you’re a freak. The girl who is always asking your friends to hang out, but refusing to let you come without ever giving a reason as to why she doesn’t want you around. The boy that’s going around lying to everyone who will listen that he slept with you and that you were horrible in bed, simply because you turned him down for a date last week. These are all forms of bullying and emotional abuse.

It can happen at work too. The co-worker who tried to get you fired last week, but then comes in with coffee for you to get on your good side. She’s just manipulating you to think that she is ok with you now. Chances are she’s just focused her claws on someone else and wants you to help. When that doesn’t work she’ll come back around to you. I’ve seen it first hand. I actually had a boss who was like this once. Each week it was a different person that she focused on. She made the department heads cry a lot. The next week she’d be on to a different department head, making his or her life miserable. When she couldn’t break that one, she’d step it up a notch. Pick at small details or dish out impossible tasks. She once yelled at me for helping another department head because I had 4 whole boxes (less than 10 minutes of work) that I hadn’t finished yet. She made the other department head do her work herself, which entailed climbing up and down the ladder several times (I had been handing her merchandise to help move things along).

I’ve had a co-worker yell at me because she felt I was lying on my time card. Actual yelling, telling me I was taking advantage of our boss. She even lied to our boss about driving behind me and knowing when I got to work. Luckily, he didn’t buy it, but stuff like that creates a hostile work environment. The worst part is, when you’re a survivor, you actually question yourself. It took a few days for me to convince myself that I was right. I even questioned my own memory, since I remembered seeing a car behind me that had a guy and no one else (she claimed she was behind me and that’s how she knew). Maybe I was wrong? Maybe that’s not what I saw? That’s the torment I put myself through. In the end I had another co-worker tell me he saw me at work when I said I was. He backed me up and that felt a million times better. Questioning yourself is never easy.

Then you get the abusers who are in a position of power. The teacher may constantly call you out in front of your classmates, “don’t be like Jimmy, he’s always failing.” One of the biggest forms of abuse, doesn’t even look like abuse. Jokes. Jokes can often times be mean and hurtful, and not really jokes at all. “Ha ha Jenny, you finally found something other than black in your closet. Did you finally forgive the rainbow for hurting you?” This is effective as abuse because it may make the other students laugh. by laughing, they are giving the abuser more power and can make it easier for him or her to say, “hey lighten up, it’s just a joke.”

As I stated before, bosses can do this too. In my situation it was a boss that was the bully. She’d give me 4 hours worth of work an hour before I was scheduled to go home and then remind me that I had to clock out on time because we weren’t allowed to have overtime. I went from one boss who had given me a merit raise for my outstanding performance to this boss who wrote me up for not doing my job properly (same exact job).

These are just a few examples of how abuse can come from someone you aren’t intimate with in any way, someone you aren’t even social with. Anyone you interact with on a regular basis can be manipulative or abusive toward you. Many times they will single someone out so that others don’t see it. Then, when you try to speak up, your co-workers or classmates (or whoever you are around) won’t believe you. They’ll think you’re imagining it or just taking that person that wrong way. That’s a favorite of abusers. The old “you’re misunderstanding me.” or “you’re taking it the wrong way, that’s not what I meant.”

Be careful out there folks, it’s a big scary world out there. Know the signs and if you find yourself in a toxic or abusive situation, know who you can turn to for help.

From the Outside Looking In

Being on the outside looking in is always hard. Watching someone you love go through an abusive relationship can be exhausting, especially when you have been there yourself. It’s not an easy road, but there are some very important things you can do to help your friend or family member through.

First, always be there. Yes, there may come a time that your loved one cuts you out. Don’t get mad, understand that they are being controlled. They may be mad at you now, they might not even know why. Maybe you warned you about the red flags you see. Maybe their significant other saw you helping and going against them. Usually the friends or family that seem the most threatening to the abuser are the first to get cut out. But, I promise you, somewhere deep inside your loved one feels guilty. They miss you and love you. There will be times when they want nothing more than for things to be back the way they were before, when they could talk to you about their problems. Just make sure that when they do cut you off, you let them know that you’ll be there when they need you. And if they do need you, make sure you’re there.

Next, it’s ok to warn your loved one. Tell them all about the red flags you see and the toxic things their partner is doing. You might be surprised, they may listen. If it’s early enough in the relationship they may not be completely emotionally invested. However, don’t be surprised if they blow you off. Prepare yourself for a barrage of “he’s not like that”, “you just don’t know her like I do”, or “they just really care about me, that’s all.” The thing is, your loved one is on the inside. They may not see the flags, they just feel what they feel about the other person. Things most likely weren’t like this in the beginning of the relationship. Abuse takes time and it happens slowly.

Don’t push, your loved one doesn’t need that. Once you’ve told them you see the flags, don’t consistently bring it up. All that will do is make your friend or family member resent you. Tell them once, maybe twice, and let it be. Constantly reminding them that they are in a bad relationship only makes them feel worse about themselves. Just like the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. The person you are trying to help is their own person. This is something they need to figure out on their own. Eventually they will realize what’s going on. When they do …

Don’t tell them “I told you so” or remind them that you tried to stop this when you first saw the signs. Trust me, they remember, and they most likely feel like shit for not listening. Right now what they need is someone to listen. It’s very possible that while your loved one realizes what’s going on, they aren’t ready to leave just yet. Make sure you remind them that you are there, and then ACTUALLY be there when they need you. No matter how many times they try to leave and fail, be there. Be there EVERY TIME. They will leave when they are ready. It’s a process and it takes a lot of emotions and sometimes a great deal of planning. It also takes a great deal of courage.

Yes, I know watching someone you love get hurt is hard, but remember, they are actually living it and that’s a lot harder. I’m currently watching someone I love go through this now, and it’s hard because I see the flags. But, I have to keep reminding myself that I was in her shoes once. I KNOW how it works and that she won’t leave until she sees it herself and then makes her choice. It’s a long road, and watching from the outside can be rough, but as long as you are waiting for them at the end, you can help rebuild.

Understanding Vs. Understanding

One of the hardest things about dealing with trauma is finding someone who truly understand what you are going through. There is a reason why many people seek support groups. In order to fully understand something, you need to have experienced it yourself. You may be able to imagine how it feels and you’ll most likely have compassion for the person who experienced the trauma, but you’ll never really understand what they are going through.

It reminds me of an episode of Criminal Minds. The team was investigating a child abduction and JJ was interviewing the parents. She said to the mom that she understood it was hard and the mom asked her if she had kids. JJ responded with no and the mother asked her she could possibly understand what losing a child must feel like if she doesn’t even have a child to lose. She wasn’t wrong and JJ said as much.

But, wait, why do trauma survivors want you to be more understanding then if we know you won’t understand? Well, understanding is both a noun and an adjective. I know you aren’t going to know exactly how I feel and what it’s like to experience my triggers. In that sense, you won’t understand. But, what you can do is be sympathetic and compassionate, or rather, understanding.

The thing is, I don’t want people to actually understand. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice feeling when someone does get it. But, that also means they’ve been through it. In order to fully comprehend and understand what I’m going through, you’d have to go through it to. I would never WANT my loved ones to go through the traumas I’ve experienced. I don’t want you to understand. I just want you to be understanding.

Music is For the Soul

Music is one of my favorite things in the whole world. There isn’t much in this world that is better than having a song that you really connect with. A song with lyrics that speak to you. One that sounds like it could have been written  about your life. As human beings one of the most important things is finding a connection. To me, one of the most honest connections is one I have with music.

One of my favorite things is the way that connection changes through time. The best example for this, for me, is “Silent All These Years” by Tori Amos. Here are the lyrics for reference:

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while
My dog won’t bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin’ at me again
Yeah, I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up
Yeah, I can hear that

But what if I’m a mermaid, in these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don’t care ’cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice.
And it’s been here silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What’s so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How’s that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there’s a heaven where some screams have gone
I got twenty-five bucks an’ a cracker
Do you think it’s enough to get us there

Cause what if I’m a mermaid, in these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don’t care ’cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it’s been here silent all these

Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand
Years go by, if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by, will I choke on my tears ’til, finally there is nothing left
One more casualty, you know we’re too easy, easy, easy

Well, I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let’s hear what you think of me now
But, baby, don’t look up- the sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
Hmm, it’s your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin’ at you, here taken hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I’m a mermaid in these jeans of yours with her name still on it
Hey, but I don’t care ’cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice, I hear my voice, and it’s been here
Silent all these years. I’ve been here silent all these years
Silent all these, silent all these years


And the song: Silent All These Years

Let’s dive into the back story. This song came out in 1992. I didn’t hear it until around ’95, when I was in high school. The last 2 years I was in high school until I was about 22, I went through a major depression. I dealt without a recurring nightmare that escalated from once or twice a month to once or twice a week. My mom and my step father were fighting constantly. My step father was constantly blaming me, very loudly, for their failed marriage. I was a bitch and a failure, and I heard that constantly. It wasn’t easy. I was suicidal and actually attempted once in the shower. While I knew the words didn’t exactly fit my circumstance, some of the lyrics spoke to me. Especially that first verse. The line “boy you best pray that I bleed real soon” is obviously about getting pregnant, but I equated it to me wanting to die. It’s funny how lyrics can be so subjective.

Listening to the song now, it’s more about my life than I could have imagined. The words have changed meanings for me and I truly have a deeper understand for them. “I’ve got something to say, you know, but nothing comes.” I lived this for so long. So many years of wanting to speak up, but just not having the words. Or not wanting to cause an issue by saying something. That’s what abuse feels like. It’s remaining quiet even though you want to scream to the world. It’s knowing that what is going on is wrong, but being too afraid to make the words come out. It’s listening to someone constantly berate you and just standing there and taking it because you know it would be 20 times worse if you say even a word in your own defense.

“Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon.” Then there’s the pregnancy scare. I was 21 and scared as all get out. In the end, I decided becoming a mother was what I wanted, and I now have an amazing 16 year old, but I won’t pretend I didn’t dwell on it a lot. Same lyric, different meaning. Amazing how that works.

I won’t detail every inch of the song, but it’s still my go to when I need to relate to something. When I’m feeling lost, like no one in the world understands, it’s there for me. Reminding me that I’m not alone and that things like this happen to other people. It speaks to me and helps me stay grounded.

Music speaks to the soul. All you have to do is listen.


Yesterday I had a meltdown. My boyfriend got to see 100% in full force what a real trigger looks like. Not that he hasn’t seen it from me before, but this was probably the worst he’s actually seen with his own eyes.

We were sitting in his living room watching YouTube, or maybe it was Netflix, I honestly don’t remember at this point. I can’t even remember what we were discussing, but I remember I Googled something because we had conflicting ideas about something. He has a habit of saying “no, you’re wrong” no matter what the answer is, no matter who he’s talking to. I could quote exactly what he said word for word and he’d say “no, you’re wrong.” He doesn’t do it to be mean or be a jerk, he’s usually just trying to be funny and then he’ll ask what it actually says. 95% of the time I’m absolutely fine with it. 4% of the time it makes me a bit cringey, but I brush it off. Yesterday was that small 1% of the time where it makes me want to gouge out eyes.

See, here’s the thing, A2 was notorious for telling me I was wrong. Always. Not jokingly, to gaslight me. I was ALWAYS wrong about EVERYTHING. I could show him proof that I wasn’t wrong, and I was still wrong. I could tell him how to spell his name, and I would be wrong. And when I would prove to him I was right, then I was a horrible person who always had to be right. He always asked me why I couldn’t just admit when I was wrong. The thing about it is, I never had a problem admitting when I actually was wrong. Hell, I just did it yesterday.

I just did it yesterday when I apologized to my boyfriend for blowing up at him when he didn’t do anything wrong. I actually got up and stormed out of his house. I called him from my care and told him to find another way to work Sunday morning. I was THAT mad, and he had no idea why. When I was first upset he tried to make me laugh. It’s what he does. It usually works. Yesterday it didn’t work. It just made me more angry. He even did it again after I left. I got as far as the stop light when he called and said “Guess we’re not getting 5 Guys then, huh?” I feel like I should reiterate that he was 100% trying to make me laugh. That’s how he deals with things in his head, he cracks jokes. He doesn’t like fighting or confrontation, so he’s always dealt with it by trying to turn it into humor. On a normal day I probably would have laughed.

But not on this day. No, this day I had a flood of past emotion. The feeling of helplessness of hearing A2 tell me I was wrong. I could hear it in my head over and over like a tornado siren warning me that a storm was coming, because that’s usually what happened when A2 said those words. I fought back. Not always, there was a point in time that I would just shake my head and brush it off. But, after a while I started fighting back again. I had to, for my own sanity. Near the end I wasn’t fighting him so much as I wasn’t fighting myself. I started to believe him when he told me I was wrong. I started to slip and question things I had seen with my own two eyes. Something as simple as knowing that I text him to tell him I had to work a different shift, even though he claimed I didn’t. He’d tell me I was wrong, that I was lying, or even worse that I was delusional. I’d scroll until I found the text and tell him see, see right here I told you, I text you. Suddenly he’d say he never got it so I should have done more to make sure he knew. Or he’d say I must have sent it to someone else, even though with smart phones you can clearly see the whole conversation that it’s in. Even at times when he replied to my text, he’d say he didn’t get it. He must have been replying to something else. He would say anything to make me question my reality. I felt all of that return yesterday. I couldn’t handle it and I walked out. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt broken and upset.

I had to walk away because I felt like I might actually have hit my boyfriend. I know, that seems like something shameful to admit. My mind resorted to violence, and I told him that. But, I walked away from the situation because I recognized that and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had done something like that. It scared me. The amount of anger I felt at that moment toward him scared the absolute shit out of me. Rationally I knew I wasn’t mad at him, but I was projecting it on to him and that’s not fair to him.

Lucky for me he’s a great guy.  He called me again on my way home. He realized how upset I was when I hung up on him after the humor didn’t work. He apologized. Yes, even though he had done nothing wrong, he apologized. He apologized because he was genuinely sorry for the way he made me feel, even though it wasn’t his intention. Anytime A2 ever hurt my feelings, and that happened a lot, he never apologized. Or if he did, it felt forced. Instead he’d tell me I was too sensitive and that he was just joking so I should calm down. I’m lucky to have a man in my life that recognizes that even if he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, they still got hurt. So he apologized, and then I apologized because he really didn’t do anything wrong. I went home and took a nap to calm down, then went back over later. We’re fine now and life is how it should be.

And as shitty as I felt yesterday I feel amazing. To finally have a proper relationship with someone who listens, even if sometimes I think he doesn’t, and can understand when I get upset, truly is an amazing thing.

13 Reasons Why: Recap

SPOILER WARNING This entry contains spoilers for the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why. If you haven’t seen or finished the show, and don’t want spoilers, I highly advise to turn back now.

If you have finished the show then you know there is also a TRIGGER WARNING for rape, violence, and suicide.


The show as a whole is great. As hard as some of the scenes were to watch, I feel like they were completely necessary. It really helped convey the emotions. I think this is definitely a show that both parents and teenagers need to watch. Teenagers so they know they aren’t alone and parents so they can have a better understanding of what goes through a kid’s head at times like these.

Some of the things that happen to Hannah seem small. But when you look at the whole picture you realize that everything just piled on. This is why it’s so important to not do the things that seem stupid and small. Like Tony says, you never know what someone is going through. What may be small and insignificant to you might be the straw that breaks the camels back to someone else, or even start a snowball effect like it did with Hannah.

What really got me though is that I couldn’t help but stop being so concerned about Hannah and start worrying about the other characters. Jessica, for example. While I absolutely feel for Hannah that she was raped, the truth of the matter is Hannah is gone. Jessica is still around. I stopped feeling upset for Hannah and started feeling heartbreak for Jessica. I think Clay went through the same thing. While he wanted justice for Hannah, when he got to Jessica’s rape he wanted to help her. Hannah was on his back burner. I have to say I respect him for that.

Watching the school flop around trying to avoid a lawsuit rather than trying to actually worry about the safety of the kids was terrifying. Mainly because it seems like that’s exactly how things would go. The depression and suicide awareness bull shit forum that they tried to hold was laughable. To be fair, that part wasn’t all the school’s fault. The material they have out for spotting depression isn’t 100% accurate. There are so many people who are high functioning depressives. They are the fake it till you make it crowd. On the outside, what they show the world, is the polar opposite of the internal struggle they deal with every day. I think that’s part of the reason this show is so important. It will hopefully start the conversation.

What it really all comes down too is that I hope this show helps. I hope it not only starts the conversation but also helps end the stigma. The stigma surrounding mental disease is both horrifying and terrible. Especially when you’re a teenager. People love to just tell you that you’re just feeling normal teenage angst or that you need to just get over something because it’s small and insignificant. Even if you’re not depressed or don’t have any other mental health issues, being a teenager can be pretty hard. Your brain is not fully developed and you don’t quite know how to process things properly all the time. The smallest things can seem like they are the end of the world. I think it’s important for us as parents to not only listen to our kids but to remind them that it will be ok and help them through whatever it is they are going through, even if it seems small to us.

I really hope they do a 2nd season. I found myself really worrying about the other kids.

13 Reasons Why: Tape 7 Side A

SPOILER WARNING: If you haven’t watched 13 Reasons Why season 1 episode 13, and you don’t want spoilers, then this is your warning to click out of this entry.


There is a trigger warning for this episode for graphic suicide. This entry talks about suicide and rape.

Mr. Porter, you asshole. So because Hannah said oh no, not like that, you do nothing. Because Hannah was scared about revealing her rapist you told her to move on. Let me just repeat that. The school’s counselor told a rape victim to just move on. The sad thing is this is how things actually work. What’s worse is that now that the tapes are finally out, Brock Turner, I mean Bryce Walker, probably won’t even be prosecuted. Or if he does he’ll serve one of those rich white guy sentences because god forbid they let something like rape get in the way of his future. Although, Jessica told her dad. Being that he’s ex military something might actually get done.

Hannah’s suicide was hard to watch. I know what it’s like to press a razor blade to your wrist. To hesitate for a second and decide if you really want to do it. My hesitation saved my life, but Hannah’s didn’t save hers. I stopped, slid to the floor of the shower, and just cried. I wasn’t quite as empty as Hannah. Watching her mom and dad’s reactions was also hard. This whole scene just hit so close to home in so many ways that it was just super hard to watch. I almost paused it, but I made it through. Mainly because I felt if I stopped I might not turn it back on.

I think Hannah wanted Clay to have the tapes almost last because he’d know what to do with them. She knew that he’d try and make things right and if he had them first, no one else would have heard them. No one else would have believed any of it.  Tony convinced himself it was what Hannah wanted so it was ok. Not like Clay who wanted to scream to the world what happened. Maybe that’s his mother’s side of him, being a lawyer and all.

Tyler, ok so why in the hell does Tyler have all those guns? Is he gearing up for a school shooting or something? That would be my guess.

I’m worried about Justin. Where will he go? Will he be ok? I hope we will be able to follow his story.

By the end of the episode it’s confirmed that Alex was the person in the ambulance. He shot himself in the head. I’m guessing he just couldn’t take the stress anymore. Maybe he was worried about his dad finding things out.

They set things up for season 2. We’ll just have to wait and see if that happens.

13 Reasons Why: Tape 6 Side B

SPOILER WARNING and all that jazz. If you haven’t seen 13 Reasons Why episode 12, and you don’t to read any spoilers, well hopefully by now you know the drill. TURN BACK NOW!


Look, another trigger warning. Great, ok, well here we go then I guess.

Ok, so the crux of this episode is Hannah’s rape. I had a feeling it was going to happen. I had to stop and compose myself after I watched it. Watching her fight and then just stop. Knowing that fighting would only make it worse. That she couldn’t fight back anymore. Hannah had officially bent so far that she broke.

But this story has become more than Hannah’s story. Jessica dumped her booze. She’s gonna fight back. And Justin. I mean, Hannah’s was raped and that’s 100% horrible. But I just wanted to reach through my screen and hug Justin. When he was trying to explain to Jessica about Bryce being there for him, he didn’t just mean money. Seeing someone who has helped you through so much of your life, through the hardest part of your life, end up being the absolute worst kind of person. But I don’t think Jess was wrong. Bryce cares about Bryce. Bryce giving things to Justin, to help him, wasn’t about Justin. It was about making Bryce look good. Oh, look at Bryce. He’e captain of the basketball team. He’s not selfish, look how he helped Justin. Yeah, it all just makes him look good. It hides the true evil that is Bryce. Justin didn’t want to hide that. Justin just didn’t know how to speak up. He is used to abuse and being told he’s a shitty person. When you’re told something like that enough times you start to believe it yourself.

Tony says it best when he says you never know someone’s life. You don’t know what other people are going through, what challenges they face. Hannah included. No one knew what Hannah’s challenges were just like Hannah didn’t know Justin’s or Zach’s, or anyone’s for that matter. Life is full of misconceptions.

Clay is on a warpath now. He knows this can’t stand. Bryce should be in jail. I’m not quite sure why Clay thought he could get Bryce to confess. The thing about rapists is they don’t usually identify themselves as rapists. And Bryce has enough money that he probably won’t even serve time for it.

As for the rest of the group, WTF Courtney. You want to hide a rapist because you don’t want to be outed? Aside from Tyler being a stalker, the rest really have nothing to worry about. Yes, Marcus was a dick, but he did leave. Alex was just trying to fit in and made stupid choices. Ryan really just wanted to publish something great and didn’t stop to think that it could hurt Hannah. Again, just a stupid choice. Sheri, well yes her mistake cost Jeff his life. She’s torn up about it. But, it was just that, a mistake. Zach was the same, he just made bad choices and acted without thinking. I can only hope they stick to telling the truth. The real truth.

13 Reasons Why: Tape 6 Side A

SPOILER ALERT: If you have not watched episode 11 of 13 Reasons Why, and don’t like having things spoiled for you, then this is your courtesy reminder to back out of this entry.



It seems like so much of the show has been building to this moment. Clay’s tape. What could Clay have possibly done that could have been so horrible to Hannah. As I suspected, nothing. There was absolutely nothing Clay could have done that would have been right at that moment. No matter much he thinks he could have tried harder, all it would have done was upset Hannah more.

Hannah tells Clay to stop and he does. She tells him to go away, and he does. He tries to stay, but she yells at him, so he goes. Clay did everything right. Yet, it felt wrong. From an outsider looking in it may seem like Hannah was just being horrible, but a person doesn’t know what will trigger them. And until this moment I don’t think Hannah had experienced a true trigger. Triggers are hard, especially ones involving sexual abuse. A gentle touch from a partner who loves you and has never hurt you can feel like a thousand razors on your skin. It doesn’t mean that you love them less. It doesn’t mean that they love you less.

Watching the scene with Hannah’s triggers was hard for me. It was an amazingly accurate representation of how triggers feel. A flood of emotions and flashbacks. Hannah’s reaction isn’t uncommon. So many times I’ve felt like I wanted a person to stay, yet I yelled at them to leave because I wanted to be alone. But, I also wanted them to stay, to hold me, to just watch me cry and dry my tears, to just … GO AWAY! Triggers are emotional. It’s hard because you’re caught between the past and the present. Your memories are stuck on repeat. You want it to stop, but it doesn’t. You don’t know how to make it stop. You want comfort, in the present. But, your mind wants to scream all the things you never got a chance to scream. To tell your memories to fuck off. To tell the person who hurt you how you really feel. Things you wished you had said then, but were too scared to. Clay will never understand that.

Jessica will understand. Justin will probably understand. I truly hope Jessica decides to speak up. I don’t know if she will. Maybe Alex can help her. Maybe she will let Justin help her. Maybe she’ll finally let Clay help her. Because right now, Jessica is more important than Hannah’s tapes. Right now Jessica is more important then worrying whether or not you hurt someone who isn’t there anymore. Right now Jessica is alive. I hope she stays that way.